April is the time of Hanamatsuri. A time we annually celebrate and observe the birthday of Siddharta Gautama. The baby Buddha statue with its right hand pointing to the heavens and the left hand pointing to the earth proclaims in a resounding way, "Above the earth and below the heavens, I alone am honored!" This moment of proclamation absolutely affirms the Buddhahood, not only of Gautama, but the Buddhahood of all beings. It is the shout of our absolute spiritual freedom and liberation. The birth cry of enlightenment of all beings itself. This, in my estimation, is the greatest and most selfless gift the Buddha gave to all beings. It is also the very shout of the awakened heart of the person of Nembutsu.

The journey we often take to arrive at this point is somewhat fortuitous and complex. It expresses the unique karmic struggles and challenges of each person. Our spirituality is simple and graceful when lived wholly, but its realization does not come easily. It engages our whole being - intellectually, emotionally, and volitionally. Yet, when one encounters another human being on this journey, one's heart is uplifted with hope and gratitude. Another door is being opened to the heart of the Buddha's shout.

So it is in many ways with one of our former dharma school students, Katrina Dene. In the short time between her high school graduation and college, her life, especially intellectually and emotionally, seems to be expanding exponentially. The seed of dharma she received as a child and youth is now unfolding within her existential concerns as she becomes challenged to test the limits of her intellectual and emotional life and discover the richness of an evolving, budding life.

With her permission, I share her recent essay written for her religious studies class at the University of Oregon and revised for our readership. The title of her essay is Alterations of Dark Conceptions.

Growing up, I was familiar with some of the general Buddhist concepts such as karma and the three poisons, while also defining darkness by what I was learning in Disney movies. My understanding of the dark side was more black and white, good and bad. What I understood through Buddhism was the idea that desires bring suffering. If we could eliminate our desires, we could eliminate suffering. Suffering is darkness.

Kierkegaard, a Christian thinker and philosopher from the early 1800's, in Sickness Unto Death, also admits that suffering, or rather "despair", is what makes up darkness. Victor Frankl, a survivor and internee of Nazi Germany, in his book, Man's Search for Meaning, explains suffering in an alternate way. He explains that suffering makes us all confront the bare essence of meaning. Frankl defines darkness not to be suffering, for that is what makes us stronger, but as the meaninglessness of the world we live in. Both Kierkegaard and Frankl attempt to explain their understanding of the dark side, both equally linked to each other and different from my initial understanding.

Initially Kierkegaard's ideas seemed similar to what I believed to be the dark side when I stepped into Religion 353 "Dark Self: East and West" this quarter. His idea that despair is darkness is greatly similar to the Buddhist concept of suffering. I grew up with the understanding that by omitting desires and materialistic dreams from my life, I would no longer be part of a suffering world. I would then be my own Buddha, an enlightened one. Be this accurate or not, this is what I believed to be true. That is what I understood from my Dharma school classes. Kierkegaard's work in Sickness Unto Death however, threw some of these ideas into question. What I had envisioned before to be the causes of suffering greatly differed from what I understood from the reading. Kierkegaard explains that despair is inevitable if we are not true to ourselves, and we cannot be our true selves without accepting necessity and actuality, along with freedom and spirit. Before, I understood reality to be one of the causes of suffering, the reality of living in a society defined by money and status it brings to its inhabitants. I did not see freedom as a part of being truly myself. I saw self-control as being a large part of abolishing suffering. After reading his ideas, and discussing his views, I was left somewhat confused. How can I be controlled yet free, give up desires and accept reality? I feel like now, more than ever, I don't know what to believe.

Victor Frankl, in turn, questions the self in another way. Does anyone truly know himself or herself? It is the great question of identity. He understands us all to have one common life project, a project to create meaning in our lives amidst a seemingly meaningless world. Contrary to Buddhist teachings and Kierkegaard's explanation of suffering, Frankl does not associate suffering with darkness. Frankl understands that suffering leaves scars. Scars, be them physical or emotional, good or bad, never disappear. This does not mean we are suffering for eternity, but rather our suffering and the scars those experiences leave make us stronger beings. Though Frankl's definition of darkness and outlook on suffering are very different than the lessons I had learned in Dharma school, I related to them more than some of the other readings. I definitely relate to his take on scars, and the idea that the painful hardships we struggle to overcome leave scar tissue. And this scar tissue is stronger than the tissue that came before it. Suffering, and the marks it leaves on or within us, makes us each who we are. But Frankl still keeps me wondering about who I am and who I will become.

I believe in enlightenment. I believe in living the Dharma path. And choosing this path is a mindful choice, with the understanding that Buddhism is a tradition that encourages me to doubt and question so I can really understand what I am a part of. So now I question. Is freedom of the self good or bad? Should I be accepting reality and the necessities it brings, or renouncing it? Should I be embracing suffering or trying to purge it? And finally, who am I? I have chosen to take part in a tradition that wants me to doubt and question, but for the first time in my life, I am left questioning whether or not everything I have learned and believed in is simply not what I can find to be true anymore.

It is not that I do not find myself to a Buddhist anymore, or do not believe in the Buddhist teachings I have been taught. I feel because I have been given the opportunity to explore religion on an intellectual level, through these alternate perspectives, I have also been given the opportunity to doubt and question more than ever before. I know now that investigating these viewpoints helps me better understand exactly what I believe in. It is because of this opportunity, I feel that I am able to explain precisely what I believe as a Buddhist, rather than what Buddhists believe in general. I do not find questioning these teachings to be synonymous to losing faith, but rather a way to re-affirm my faith that I recognize now to be ever-changing.

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The "other" in us always seems alien and unacceptable; but if we let ourselves be aggrieved the feeling sinks in, and we are the richer for this little bit of self-knowledge. - C.G. Jung