An elderly man is dying with cancer. He is not heavily sedated, but his mind seems to be wandering and restless. He is mumbling and rambling as he talks to himself. His son is listening carefully as he tries to decipher his father's words. Eventually he makes some sense out of his father's confused words. It seems his father was recalling something from his childhood and he was quite worried about an incident which occurred then.
His son patiently questioned him and eventually the source of his worry and anxiety was revealed.
When his father was a young boy, full of mischief and unbridled energy, he once turned the signposts around at the local crossroads. Now, at this late juncture in his life, he was extremely worried and anxious about how many people he may have sent in the wrong direction, and how many people he may have caused to go astray. This weighed heavity on his mind at his deathbed.

Such burdensome thoughts, I imagine, can truly haunt a person on his deathbed. To think: In what way did I give forth wrong signal and wrong values to others? In what way am I now responsible for others who may have gone astray, whether they be family members, relatives, friends, workers, acquaintences, etc.?

Every karmic act, whether spoken, thought of, and acted upon, bears consequences in the present or at some point in the future. Our karmic actions are inescapable. Whether good, bad, or neutral - we are creators of our present and our future life. No one else. There is no one to blame nor falsely praise for who and what we are and what we have become. As important as our environment and life conditions from which we evolved are, we alone bear our karmic consequences.

Amida Buddha's enlightened heart of wisdom and comopassion expressed in our faith of Nembutsu directs its abiding concern to the spiritually foolish and ignorant who have lost their way - sending "wrong signals" to self and others. These wrong signals are propelled by blind karmic acts, albeit exciting and fun at times, bu nevertheless, leading to further sufferings and restlessness. The workings of Buddha's unconditional wisdom and compassion is to transform our negative karmic acts into positive karmic acts which inspire deep insight and understanding, emphatic loving-kindness and deep caring for self and others.

Acknowledging and awakening to our blind, misdirected karmic acts born of a deep spiritual darkness draws us to the enlightened wisdom and compassion of Amida Buddha and moves us closer to a life of wholewome awareness, acceptance, and appreciation of life itself.

May each day we live clearly send the "right signals" which manifest Amida Buddha's deep wisdom and compassion illuminating our life and the life of others. And may infinite light and infinite life transform the wrong signals emanating from our blind, self-centered karmic life.

-- reprinted from the May 2006 Sangha guide

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1. Ashamed am I of myself

The darkness was
My own darkness.

Lost and confused have I been
While being lost and confused,
I never knew that
I was lost and confused.

-- H. Yonezawa, M.D.

2. Embraced by Namu-amida-butsu
I vowed never to complain;
Thinking thus, again, I complained.
-- Mrs. H. Matsui

3. I know not evil, nor gratitude.
Yet on this self showers
All the compassion of countless universes.
-- Mrs. Y. Takeuchi